With the End In Mind

Last week was the end of 3rd quarter. How do I feel.....sad...excited...tired. I'm sad because this, "once in a life time" thing is new for me. Think about it pretty much everything we have done in life would be easy to do again. Especially with me still being in school; every year I have school time then summer time things kind of repeat a lot. Unfortunately not this time. When I leave Pohnpei I'm not sure if I'll really ever come back. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear these students laugh again or see some of the friends I've made. ONCE IN A LIFE TIME.
Yet some how in the mist of this new realized sadness I am so excited to be home. Today I made a menu of all the things I want to eat when I get home. I know that sounds bad but man do I miss good food! Also I honestly believe that I can live my life with a new appreciation. It's something new I've been trying here :) I now realize how much of my life I took for granted. I'm so excited for the opportunity to do the right way...to do it better.
With all these emotions I'm sure you can see why I also feel tired lol. Honestly, I'm tired from hard work and that's the best reason for being tired. Thankfully we are going camping this weekend! I can't wait!

Funny Story

Here is a short story for you to laugh atJ

I always put my keys in the drawer of my desk. On Wednesdays I tutor one of my students named Vince ( sweet kid who suffers because of a messed up school system).  That day Vince and I spent an hour in the library looking for a book he could read for his book report. When our session was over I ran back to my classroom to lock up and go home. I was really excited to be done for the day  and realized half a second too late that I had just locked my keys in my classroom! I wasn’t to freaked out because I had done this once before and there was a spare key in the office.  I asked the main office worker if I could have key, she handed me a huge wad of keys and told me good luck finding it. Finally I found what was supposed to be the key to my class but….it didn’t work.  I went back to the office to look in the “secrete” stash of keys in the closet. I was really happy cause I found another key to my room. Unfortunately that one didn’t work either. Well, here on Pohnpei  when you have tried everything you know there is only one more thing to do….call Noli. Noli is the head maintenance man here at the school, but I like to call him “Noli  the Marvelous Fix It Man”. So I tramped over to his house only to find that it was date night for him and his wife, so he couldn’t come help me but as he got into his car he told me to try the key again and to giggle the knob a little. I went back to now the dark high school once again. Before I even put the key in the lock I decided to pray over it. My prayer went a little like this, “ God, you parted the Red Sea, and turned water into wine. Lord, You know how much I need to get into this room so I can be fully prepared for tomorrow; so Lord, I’m trusting You to open the door for me.” After my Amen I put the key in the knob…gave it a giggle…turned the key…and nothing happened. My faith was not that easily broken so I kept trying then I thought, “Maybe I should sing to the door. That might help!” So I started singing  “I need  You, Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else should I go? There’s no other name by which I am saved! Capture me with grace I will follow You!” over and over I sang this song and still nothing happened. Once I realized I was yelling my song instead of singing it, I let that idea go and moved on to my next great idea: Knocking the door open like the cops do on Law and Order. I backed up to the other side of the hall, closed my eyes, and ran full speed at my door. THAT WAS THE DUMBEST IDEA!  It hurt so bad and the door didn’t budge a bit! Hahaha. After I took a couple minutes to get over the pain a prayed again. “Ok God, for some reason You don’t want me to get into my classroom tonight. I have done all I can; so I’m going to go back to my house and just relax. Tomorrows classes are up to You.”  That’s exactly what I did.  The next day all my classes went well and I had a funny story to tell my kids for worship. I don’t know for sure why God didn’t just open my door, but I like to think it was because He was trying to tell me that I need to relax sometime and let Him be God. That I don’t need to know every detail of my life, and not know these details won’t kill me.

From February

One of my friends, Daphne Knecht, Passed away recently. To be completely honest I didn’t think it was going to affect me very much; then again I didn’t really believe she was going to die. The week of her death I felt completely overwhelmed with these unexpected emotions. After holding it in for a few days I finally cracked. That was the same day that I was scheduled to speak for prayer meeting. This was my talk:

JJ Heller sings one of my favorite songs called “Your Hands”. The song starts off with, “I have unanswered prayers I have troubled I wish wasn’t there. And I have asked a thousand ways that you would take my pain away. But When my world is shaking Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands.”

Some of you already know that today wasn’t great for me. I woke up this morning just feeling completely overwhelmed. I could feel my stress and anxiety to my core. The first of my 100 prayers this morning was. “ God, You’ve got to help me today because I’m having a hard time even wanting to try today.” Like I said that was the first of my 100 prayers. The whole day I felt heavy and burdened. Not very far into my day, first period actually, two of my students Virginia  and Jeroleen asked if I was ok. I tried nonchalantly to assure them that I was fine just a little sad. Jeroleen, God bless her said, “ just remember what the Bible says  Miss.” I know she only meant well but her words gave me a pain in my chest. Because I had remembered what the Bible says, I had quoted scripture  just to get myself out the door, I had prayed a thousand times and NOTHING HAPPENED! Nothing took it away. So what do you do when your faith is failing you?!

The bridge of the JJ Heller songs says, “The hands that shaped the world are holding me; they hold me still.”

So when I have no more faith, I have to depend/believe in what I know. That the God who shaped this world, the God who parted the red sea, the God who raised dead men from the grave is the very same God that is holding me. I just have to trust that God can hold me when I’m…faithless.

Is. 41:11- Fear not for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Amen.

Hi I'm still alive

Hi!

I know I haven’t written in so long( my mom won’t let me forget) love you mama lol. So I will give a brief catch up. I have met the prince of Pohnpei…then he got arrested for trying to cheat us out of our money and disturbing the peace. I must say it was very entertaining. I have seen the famous Nan Mandol. Nan Mandol is the ancient royal city and burial grounds. It was pretty cool. I climbed the ruins and could see so far. It was really beautiful. Speaking of beautiful I also got to hike sokehs ridge. While up there I could see all the different areas of the island and some surrounding reefs. The hike up was so hard because the altitude changed( I think) and it was straight uphill the whole time. A couple weekends ago we went to an exclusive undeveloped outer island called Ant. There were no toilets or  huts or anything to be honest. It was just us, the jungle, and a beautiful ocean. I spent Sabbath on a floaty  being drifted along the shore. It gave me some time to rest and reconnect with God. I’m not going to lie, lately I have needed to be reminded why I’m here. I don’t regret coming at all; I just don’t see any rewards for my work. Like I came here to share God’s love and let people know that He’s the most important. I don’t feel like I have done that. Praise the Lord my time here isn’t over, but at the same time I pray God will help me make it through.

                A couple weeks ago All the Islands were having an evangelist series. There were meetings being held all over Pohnpei. I got to go to a couple of different sites. It was really cool to see the hungry souls and pray for them. One meeting I went to was pretty far into the middle of Pohnpei. The meeting was being held at a family meeting house. When we pulled into the driveway  it seemed a little poor but not too much different than other places. When I walked inside I was shocked. It was a one room, open window, dirt floor, completely concrete building. I felt like I was in a hole in the wall. As the room began to fill I recognized a lot of the faces. The slide show was being projected on a white sheet on the back wall. Then I realized that behind that sheet was a very small room where someone was living. A hole inside the hole. The floor was moist because the house was so close to the water and the tide had flooded it. As I sat there feeling strangely overwhelmed by my surroundings, Mrs. Kathy walked in like an angle of light. Mrs. Kathy is an older lady in the church. She is a widow of an American who came in the 60’s to build the main road. She doesn’t stand out in anyway ,except for the fact that she is already planted in my heart. She is one of the dearest friends I have here. Kathy showed me that this meeting room wasn’t a poor man’s home it was a place rooted  in and by family. It was ,in its own way, a sanctuary.  

Pictures from our first camping trip on Black Coral Island

 no tents. Hammocks only!

 the sunset

 the best pic

 there were tons of starfish

 Roommates!

 this clam shell was 2times the size of my foot

Wednesday Night
"God please don't let my birthday come tomorrow! I'm so miserable here and i don't want to spend my birthday this way. Its not fair that all the people that are suppose to be supporting me are just as far away as you are! I feel so alone. It's not fair that You aren't here with me right now; God, You should be here telling me i'm going to be ok, that i'm not going to be this crazy forever, that i'm not really crazy at all! I just want to go home I'm so tired!"

Thursday Morning
"Ok, God, I'll try today to not let anyone know how miserable I really am. I'll just put on a smile. Please, just let me make it through this day alive."

As soon as I finished that prayer my roommate Emily asked me if I wanted Pancakes or eggs for breakfast (as a SM you can only have one lol). I didn't go to worship that morning because I needed more time to convence myself that I could make it through the day. All of my morning classes went pretty well nothing unusual happened. At lunch I called my grandma! It was so great to talk to her because I was really missing my family and she made me laugh by talking about the good ol days lol. I had no idea that this would be the turning point of my day. (Bell rings) " ok, Grandma I have to go teach"  As I walked into my class room I noticed that all my students where there already. My first thought: "Am I late?" I asked them all to go ahead and take their seats so we could get started. They all looked at each other and then some one counted to 3. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS JACKSON..... this is when one of the student pulled a homemade angel-shaped chocolate cake  from her desk and another student brought out a Gallon of ice cream....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!   I was speechless. I almost cried.The rest of the period was spent with us eating and all of them taking turns to sing to me. One boy even made me a rap! When the dismissal bell rang the next class rushed in with another cake and hugs and smiles. After school some girls cleaned my classroom AND MY APARTMENT! I couldn't stop smiling it was just too much. I went for a run and watched the sunset( while doing some crunches on a hill lol) When I returned to my apartment my other roommate Christina told me that there was going to be a suprise party for me in just a few minutes so i needed to shower fast lol. She couldn't keep it to herself any longer. There were waffles, more ice cream, laughs, stories, birthday wishes, and even a long awaited chick flick. Once again, I almost cried.
Thursday Night
"O Father, my heart is overflowed with love. Undeserved love. I didn't expect anything for my birthday. To be honest I didn't have enough faith to expect anything, and yet You gave me so much. Thank You for leaving no room for me to doubt Your love or presence here with me."

Seeing With Different Eyes

Today I went  with a friend to the airport. I thought back to the first day I got here and how adventurous and appealing the island seemed that day. Now, some days it feels so confining and exclusive. In times like these I think back to what one of the local Americans told me. She said, " Whenever you see Sokehs Rock(the famous cliff here) remember how great God is and why He brought you here." Why He brought me here....I think it was/is for me to love. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.
      "He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Amen, Praise God.