With the End In Mind

Last week was the end of 3rd quarter. How do I feel.....sad...excited...tired. I'm sad because this, "once in a life time" thing is new for me. Think about it pretty much everything we have done in life would be easy to do again. Especially with me still being in school; every year I have school time then summer time things kind of repeat a lot. Unfortunately not this time. When I leave Pohnpei I'm not sure if I'll really ever come back. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear these students laugh again or see some of the friends I've made. ONCE IN A LIFE TIME.
Yet some how in the mist of this new realized sadness I am so excited to be home. Today I made a menu of all the things I want to eat when I get home. I know that sounds bad but man do I miss good food! Also I honestly believe that I can live my life with a new appreciation. It's something new I've been trying here :) I now realize how much of my life I took for granted. I'm so excited for the opportunity to do the right way...to do it better.
With all these emotions I'm sure you can see why I also feel tired lol. Honestly, I'm tired from hard work and that's the best reason for being tired. Thankfully we are going camping this weekend! I can't wait!

Funny Story

Here is a short story for you to laugh atJ

I always put my keys in the drawer of my desk. On Wednesdays I tutor one of my students named Vince ( sweet kid who suffers because of a messed up school system).  That day Vince and I spent an hour in the library looking for a book he could read for his book report. When our session was over I ran back to my classroom to lock up and go home. I was really excited to be done for the day  and realized half a second too late that I had just locked my keys in my classroom! I wasn’t to freaked out because I had done this once before and there was a spare key in the office.  I asked the main office worker if I could have key, she handed me a huge wad of keys and told me good luck finding it. Finally I found what was supposed to be the key to my class but….it didn’t work.  I went back to the office to look in the “secrete” stash of keys in the closet. I was really happy cause I found another key to my room. Unfortunately that one didn’t work either. Well, here on Pohnpei  when you have tried everything you know there is only one more thing to do….call Noli. Noli is the head maintenance man here at the school, but I like to call him “Noli  the Marvelous Fix It Man”. So I tramped over to his house only to find that it was date night for him and his wife, so he couldn’t come help me but as he got into his car he told me to try the key again and to giggle the knob a little. I went back to now the dark high school once again. Before I even put the key in the lock I decided to pray over it. My prayer went a little like this, “ God, you parted the Red Sea, and turned water into wine. Lord, You know how much I need to get into this room so I can be fully prepared for tomorrow; so Lord, I’m trusting You to open the door for me.” After my Amen I put the key in the knob…gave it a giggle…turned the key…and nothing happened. My faith was not that easily broken so I kept trying then I thought, “Maybe I should sing to the door. That might help!” So I started singing  “I need  You, Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else should I go? There’s no other name by which I am saved! Capture me with grace I will follow You!” over and over I sang this song and still nothing happened. Once I realized I was yelling my song instead of singing it, I let that idea go and moved on to my next great idea: Knocking the door open like the cops do on Law and Order. I backed up to the other side of the hall, closed my eyes, and ran full speed at my door. THAT WAS THE DUMBEST IDEA!  It hurt so bad and the door didn’t budge a bit! Hahaha. After I took a couple minutes to get over the pain a prayed again. “Ok God, for some reason You don’t want me to get into my classroom tonight. I have done all I can; so I’m going to go back to my house and just relax. Tomorrows classes are up to You.”  That’s exactly what I did.  The next day all my classes went well and I had a funny story to tell my kids for worship. I don’t know for sure why God didn’t just open my door, but I like to think it was because He was trying to tell me that I need to relax sometime and let Him be God. That I don’t need to know every detail of my life, and not know these details won’t kill me.

From February

One of my friends, Daphne Knecht, Passed away recently. To be completely honest I didn’t think it was going to affect me very much; then again I didn’t really believe she was going to die. The week of her death I felt completely overwhelmed with these unexpected emotions. After holding it in for a few days I finally cracked. That was the same day that I was scheduled to speak for prayer meeting. This was my talk:

JJ Heller sings one of my favorite songs called “Your Hands”. The song starts off with, “I have unanswered prayers I have troubled I wish wasn’t there. And I have asked a thousand ways that you would take my pain away. But When my world is shaking Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands.”

Some of you already know that today wasn’t great for me. I woke up this morning just feeling completely overwhelmed. I could feel my stress and anxiety to my core. The first of my 100 prayers this morning was. “ God, You’ve got to help me today because I’m having a hard time even wanting to try today.” Like I said that was the first of my 100 prayers. The whole day I felt heavy and burdened. Not very far into my day, first period actually, two of my students Virginia  and Jeroleen asked if I was ok. I tried nonchalantly to assure them that I was fine just a little sad. Jeroleen, God bless her said, “ just remember what the Bible says  Miss.” I know she only meant well but her words gave me a pain in my chest. Because I had remembered what the Bible says, I had quoted scripture  just to get myself out the door, I had prayed a thousand times and NOTHING HAPPENED! Nothing took it away. So what do you do when your faith is failing you?!

The bridge of the JJ Heller songs says, “The hands that shaped the world are holding me; they hold me still.”

So when I have no more faith, I have to depend/believe in what I know. That the God who shaped this world, the God who parted the red sea, the God who raised dead men from the grave is the very same God that is holding me. I just have to trust that God can hold me when I’m…faithless.

Is. 41:11- Fear not for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Amen.